Choices

In less than 24 hours the new year of 2006 will be here. At this point I think it's appropriate to bring back the 3rd and final post from my old blog that I had saved. I wrote about choices and what making them meant to me then. Now more than a year later, as I read it again, it serves as a sobering thought while I contemplate on where my priorities, goals and plans should be heading for the year to come.

This was first posted on July 22, 2004.

Everyday I find myself faced with a multitude of choices:
- Do I get out of bed now or later?
- Should I eat rice or noodles?
- Do I get angry or get even?
- Do I speak up or do I keep quiet?
- Should I keep this or throw it away?
- Should I rest a while more or get back to work?
- Should I stay here or go there?
- Should I take the job or say no?
- Should I click here or type this?
choices, choices, choices....

Every choice has a consequence of equal impact on my life as well as that of others around me. But as I thought deeper I remembered the following images.

Thaipusam at Batu Caves, KL. Feb 2004






When I took the above photograph I wanted to illustrate the pain that the devotees go through in the name of their faith without actually being gory, as was common in pictures of Thaipusam. But while I was mulling over the point of this entry, I realized that the image can also be seen as the choice made by the devotee and the consequences of that choice. Much like the hooks with its sharp points, the consequences of my decisions leave their marks on me with each one I make.

Thaipusam at Batu Caves, KL. Feb 2004






As I continued to dwell on these thoughts and viewed through my images, it dawned upon me that the consequences where not just the markings made by the sharp ends. There where chains attached to those hooks. The decisions I make all have chains, strings, ties, links (whatever you want to call it) attached. Either to someone, something, or some other set of decisions. I was thinking to myself 'No wonder I feel so bogged down by stuff'.

Some say free will is a gift, some call it a curse. Me? I'm somewhat on the fence. Sometimes it's great to be able to make your own decisions, but then with that freedom also comes a certain amount of responsibilities. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to choose, that things were decided for me, I just needed to act accordingly. But then where's the fun in that?

Having biblical teachings 'drummed' into me during my formative years kinda makes decision making a lot more difficult at times. Especially when it touches on issues of morality, faith and ethics. Sometimes I cringe back from calling myself a Christian. I am far from being what that name proclaims - a follower of Christ. Of all my decisions that I make throughout the day, few (and sometimes none) are in the ways of Christ. It is difficult to decide when it seems to be going against every natural grain, fiber and instinct of my being, even when I know deep down that it is the right thing to do, or in some cases the wrong thing to do.

Regrets are another by-product of the choices and decisions I make. Actually regret in itself is a choice. I only feel regret when I choose to dwell on the mistakes or missed opportunities. Regret is the choice to cry over spilt milk. And yet knowing full well what it is still doesn't stop me from sighing, bawling and at times even cursing over the spill, when instead I could have simply wipe it up or walked away. There are several wet patches in my past that I keep afresh by visiting them periodically. What can I say. It's a choice.